Word Goals

11/12/2022

So, I'm doing NaNoWriMo. If you don't know what that is, it's short for National Novel Writer's Month. The goal is to write 50,000 words in one month, which is classified as a novel. I did the Young Writer's Program - or YWP - until I turned 18, and then transitioned over to the adult/main NaNoWriMo program. I miss the YWP because you could set your own word count goal, and I always aimed a bit lower, for 40k instead of 50k. I've been doing this for years, and the past few I've not been very good at it because of stress. Pandemic and all that.

One thing I got pretty clever at, though, is just... writing whenever I feel like it in the months before the main challenge, which is November. I got the majority of my current word count because I wrote it all in October, so now if I know I'm too busy to write, I can just put the words in for one of the scenes I've got pre-written.

The problem is (and the reason I always have backup word counts), I tend to always fall into a creative slump in November. I don't know if it's because I've got some issues with the changing seasons, or if it's because the sun's going down earlier, or what it is. But every single year without fail, I'll fall into a bit of a slump in November, and even if I achieve my word goal of 50k by the end of the month, I just don't feel very accomplished. I think it's because I'm unsatisfied with my writing as-is. I enjoy it, and I like my own work a good bit of the time, but when you're staring at a rough draft with a perfectionist mindset, you get a little bit upset with what you see.

That's the problem at it's core, I think. I'm staring into stagnant and murky water, and expecting to be able to see a rainbow fish in its depths. I think that if I just stare hard enough, the answer will come to me, or the words will rearrange themselves on the page, or something miraculous will happen and all will be in place as it should be. I know that this is the problem, and that it can be fixed, but I'm always asking myself how. How can I improve? Make this better? Make it readable somehow to publishers and editors, or at the very least, how can I make it enjoyable for my friends?

NaNoWriMo is so fun, I tell myself. But then I actually participate in it, and I feel the same icy grip of fatigue on my shoulders. I just grow tired and bored of the deadline. Of the challenge. I've been doing it for roughly ten years, if not a bit more, but I know some of those years I've tried to participate and then thrown away an entire project. I have several storylines, several worlds I want to write in, but the hard part is actually sitting down to write. What if the storyline is too vague? What if the characters aren't developed enough? What if the world is too two-dimensional? What if the dialogue is unrealistic?

This year I'm tackling the same book I've been trying to wrangle since I was twelve, off-and-on. This is the draft that I have, thus far, been the most satisfied with. I love how certain characters feel. I love how they communicate with one another. I enjoy the dialogue and the way I'm portraying their world - a world I've been building for around ten years - but I always feel like I could be doing more. But what more? What could I possibly be doing more for this world, for these characters, for their circumstances?

I think that every time I've tried writing this book, I've wound up with a totally different story. There was a point where I thought I was finally on the final draft, and about to think of getting an agent and sending it to publishers, only to realize that, well, it sucked. It sucked so fucking hard, to be honest, and every day I'm grateful that my teenage self shelved it for later and worked on other projects. But that doesn't mean that my anxieties about this book have completely solved themselves. But I guess we'll see how it turns out.

I started writing more of it today, and I'm slowly getting back into the world I've been developing, and getting very into the characters and their dynamics. I've also been developing the language that's spoken in their world, and luckily I already have countries and some major cities named. I've also got a pantheon of gods for their world, as well, and every now and again I revamp bits and pieces, make a new deity here and there to balance out another, and I even have some dynamics of the gods. Adding onto that, I'm working and re-working their alphabet, with plans to redo it again soon.

I definitely know I'm overthinking this. It's very simple to say that you're overthinking something, and then tell yourself to stop doing that. It's another thing entirely to actually stop overthinking and get back to work. Either way, I just hope that I can turn this story into something truly special. I love it, and I think part of my anxiety is the idea that one day, I will have to let it go and send it out into the world. No more re-doing it or making new drafts. One day it will be out of my control, and that's something that's truly petrifying.

Anyways, I did a couple of sketches I really like, and hopefully I'll be rendering one digitally and uploading it to my art Instagram, @7sinclrdraws!

Wish me luck, I've got quite a few words to go before I hit the 50k word goal, and hopefully I'll still have motivation to keep writing by December. Have a great day/night everyone, it's 2:30 AM, so I'm heading to bed. Thank you for reading, and if you're also doing NaNoWriMo, I'd love to know!

I hope this wasn't too rambly. I appreciate you reading it regardless. Stay safe out there.